A Call With Cancer

i had severe muscle pain today afternoon. i have it since a few days. i take a painkiller, it numbs down for a few hours, i take another painkiller. the same cycle for days. i was having dinner with a moderate pain calculating the number of hours i have to wait for my next painkiller. that was my biggest worry. my biggest nemesis. this fucking pain. i'd rather die than suffer this pain i was fuming.

a call came. it was the doctor. the lab wants to study my tumour more. they're not sure yet its not cancer. they wanna be sure.

it won't be cancer. it can't be. right? endoscopy and ct scan showed its angiofibroma something. thats not cancer. but. we need to make sure. it wont be cancer. im healthy. healthy people get cancer. but it was not cancer. it cant be. but what if?

they wanna make sure. some cells and their types need to be checked. sphincter cells i think. idk. it wont be cancer.

but if it is we need to make sure it wont grow again. chemo. time for a hair style change i guess.

i am almost certain it is not cancer but it is the conversation that hurts. the word cancer kills conversations before it kills people. all of us heard the words cancer and chemo over the phone. it wasn't on speaker. the words were a bit too loud.

it is isnt going to be cancer. but you never think you are going to be in the same sentence as cancer or chemo. at the age of 22 ffs.

i miss when my biggest problem was a non existent love life. now it might be life thats non existent.

ever since i was hospitalised i was wondering if i enjoyed life enough to bear the suffering. is the joy enough to compensate the pain.

this. this is where i draw the line. no amount of joy or happiness or friendships or love or sex or work or dopamine hits can justify this.

if gods exist they're cruel. there wasn't a need to create pain or suffering yet they did. why?

i dont have cancer. i wont. will know 4-5 days later. till then...

lemme tell you about the muscle pain. that bitch is the worst thing that can happen to me at this point! :)

Unabridged and unedited excerpt I wrote on the night of the call.